Season 1 Episode 4 Running Out Quagmire
by Codyisland123
Summary: Quagmire has time to get out of town or get killed. But Peter and Joe are there for him. Meanwhile Brian and Stewie swap bodies.
1. Out To Get Him

*Starts at Stewies room*  
Brian: *Walks in* Stewie you in here?  
Stewie: Hello Brian. *Turns on lights*  
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing in here.  
Stewie: Creating a new invention!  
Brian: That wasnt good the last time you did it.  
Stewie: Oh come on Brian, this is nothing but brilliant!  
Brian: What are you making?  
Stewie: A thoughts machine!  
Brian: What do you mean thoughts machine?  
Stewie: I can see what your thinking. Like I can see what anyone in the world is thinking.  
Brian: Thats kind of scary.  
Stewie: Yes.  
Brian: Well I will see you later.  
Stewie: Wait Brian!  
Brian: Yes?  
Stewie: Be my first test subject.  
Brian: Why?  
Stewie: Come on! It will be fun!  
Brian: Alright.  
Stewie: So you sit down in this chair!  
Brian: Alright *Sits down*  
Stewie: *Sits down in the chair next to him* And watch. *Pulls lever*  
Brian: I dont feel good! *Brian and Stewie swap bodies*  
Stewie: See Brian.  
Brian: Stewie?  
Stewie: Wait, why do I see myself?  
Brian: I see me too!  
Stewie: You dont think?  
Brian: Yeah!  
*At the drunken clam Quagmire, Joe and Peter are sitting down drinking a beer*  
Quagmire: Hey guys, I got this mail from someone.  
Peter: What does it say?  
Quagmire: Move.  
Peter: What?  
Quagmire: Move out or die.  
Peter: Sounds like someone is trying to drive you out!  
Quagmire: Well thats bad!  
Joe: How are we gonna find this person?  
Peter: I dont know.  
Quagmire: Well someone wants to kill me!  
Joe: I will use some of my polic equipment.  
Peter: Good thinkin Joe!  
Joe: Yep.  
Quagmire: Well I fly planes! Someone may try to kill me in there!  
Peter: Dont fly any planes.  
Quagmire: Peter, I wont get paid.  
Peter: Who cares!  
Quagmire: Well we are going to find this person!  
Joe: Alright lets start.  
Peter: Where are we going?  
Joe: To the agency Peter.  
Peter: Good idea.  
Joe: But lets finish these beers first.  
Quagmire: Come on! *Joe and Peter chug down beers*  
Joe: Alright im ready.  
*At the police station*  
Joe: Alright, My friend here Quagmire is being run out of town and he got this letter *Gives letter to the officer* Can you put this in the scanner?  
Officer: Sure thing Joe. *Takes letter in the back of the room*  
Quagmire: Hopefully they get some results.  
Peter: I cant imagine just hanging out with Joe.  
Joe: What is that suppose to mean!  
Peter: Well Cleveland is with his family. And Quagmire would be somewhere else. I dont know what we could do.  
Joe: Well these results are going to be a while.  
Quagmire: Alright, I dont care at least I get to see who this is.  
Joe: Well if he does do anything the worst we can do is put him on trial.  
Quagmire: It has to be someone I know doing this!  
Joe: Who do we know that would be this evil?  
Peter: I dont know but I have a feeling Stewie.  
Joe: Hes a baby Peter.  
Peter: Right.  
Quagmire: If we cant find that guy will you guys protect me?  
Joe: Yes Quagmire.  
Peter: Just dont make us your meat shield.  
Joe: We are going to track him down once we get the results.  
Officer: *Comes back* Alright we identified the person.  
Quagmire: Who was it?  
Officer: A girl named Charmisse.  
Quagmire: Charmisse!  
Officer: Yes, do you know her.  
Peter: She was Quagmirs stripper wife!  
Officer: Is this that guy whos a sex addict?  
Peter: Stop asking questions!  
Joe: He is clean.  
Officer: Alright. *Leaves*  
Peter: So its her husband!  
Joe: Surprising!  
Quagmire: Well I dont know where she lives!  
Peter: Joe, find out where she lives.  
Joe: Get in the cop car.  
*In the police car*  
Joe: *On laptop* She lives not too far from us.  
Quagmire: She is 20 houses away no wonder she can spy on me so easily!  
Peter: All we got to do is go over to her house.  
Quagmire: What if she has guards!  
Peter: Quagmire that is most unlikley.  
Quagmire: Your right.  
Joe: But they are making a pretty big deal over this operation.  
Peter: I see that.  
Joe: Well we got to get up on their case.  
Peter: When do we go over there?  
Joe: Tommarow. We have to plan how we are going to get in there incase she has people ready.  
Quagmire: I didnt know she had the guts to do this!  
Peter: Its true Quagmire.  
Joe: We need a couple more guys in on this if she is armed.  
Peter: Well how do we know?  
Joe: Like I sad we will make the attack tommarow.  
Peter: Are we going to kill her?  
Joe: No, we are going to see what she is planning.  
Peter: Oh cause that would have been like ninja.  
Joe: No Peter.  
Quagmire: Thanks for all you guys are doing.  
Joe: No problem Quagmire.  
Quagmire: Couldnt tha... *Car starts rolling down the streets*  
Joe: What the hell? *Looks in mirror* They are pushing the car down!  
Peter: Joe take the wheel!  
Joe: *Takes wheel and controls car* That was close!  
Quagmire: That must be them! *Guy holds up sign that says you are going to die Quagmire* That is them!  
Peter: Joe how are we going to get out of this mess?  
Joe: *Throws spikes out of the car and the chasing cars tires pop* We got them.  
Quagmire: That was close!  
Joe: Yep, they are really mad at you Quagmire.  
Quagmire: But they werent in that car?  
Joe: They could have sent those guys!  
Quagmire: True.  
Joe: If they are going to start attacking us we got to bring out the big guns!  
Peter: Why do they care so much about Quagmire?  
Joe: I dont know maybe becaues he dumped her.  
Peter: True.  
Quagmire: Now I regret dumping her.  
Peter: I see that, but she just wasnt for you.  
Quagmire: Yeah.  
Joe: We are going to go to her house now! 


	2. Johnson

*Where we left off*  
Peter: This trip is going to be long.  
Joe: Yes it is.  
Quagmire: Turn on the radio let me relax will ya Joe.  
Joe: Alright. *Tries to turn on radio but it wont work* What did they do to the radio!  
Peter: How did they rig our radio!?  
Joe: I dont know!  
Peter: Wait, Joe how are you driving?  
Joe: Handicaps have a way to drive.  
Peter: Well that is neat.  
Joe: Yes it is.  
Peter: Is it hard?  
Joe: No.  
Peter: Oh wow.  
*At Stewies room*  
Brian: *Gets up out of the chair with Stewie* Im you Stewie!  
Stewie: And I am you!  
Brian: You screwed up this time!  
Stewie: What! Im sorry!  
Brian: Just blend in!  
Stewie: How!  
Brian: Somehow you have to mimic my voice in my body!  
Stewie: Oh Hi im Brian im an idiot!  
Brian: *Slaps Stewie* Or we can just stay in here and not do anything! Or figure out how to change us back!  
Stewie: Its no use!  
Brian: Ugh.  
Stewie: Wait, I can see what its like to be you!  
Brian: Oh, well. It couldnt be bad to live in a babys body for one day.  
Stewie: Maybe Lois will take me seriously.  
Brian: Alright lets go.  
Stewie: I can poop in the yard!  
*In the Griffins kitchen Lois is cooking*  
Stewie: Hello Lois.  
Lois: Whats wrong with your voice Brian?  
Stewie: Nothing. It has gotten a little bit less deeper.  
Lois: Alright.  
Stewie: Im stupid.  
Lois: What?  
Brian: *Walks in* Goo goo ga ga.  
Lois: Theres my little Stewie! *Picks up Brian*  
Stewie: Stewie is the best!  
Brian: Goo goo.  
Stewie: Hes better than me at everything.  
Brian: *Cries* WAAAA!  
Lois: Stewie, Brian what is wrong with you guys?  
Brian: Nothing Lois.  
Lois: Alright.  
Brian: Alright Stewie she can hear us both.  
Stewie: Oh really now. How does it feel to be the baby?  
Brian: Just find out how to change us back fast.  
Stewie: Dont worry I will.  
Lois: I wonder where Peter is?  
Stewie: I think we should admire Stewie here.  
Lois: Why are you so effective with Stewie today?  
Stewie: He is just so cute.  
Lois: Yes he is.  
*In Joes Police Car*  
Joe: Are we downtown?  
Peter: I guess we are.  
Joe: Alright... *Turns around*  
Peter: How did we end up downtown?  
Joe: I dont know.  
Quagmire: Jeez Joe look where you are going.  
Joe: I am! Want me to save you or not?  
Quagmire: Yes! Yes! I do!  
Joe: Alright. We are far away from our houses.  
Peter: Why dont we sing traveling songs!  
Joe: Not now Peter.  
Peter: Come on!  
Joe: Ugh.  
*1 Hour later when the car is parked next to Charmisse's house*  
Joe: We are here.  
Peter: Alright. *Everyone gets out*  
*Outside the police car*  
Joe: Alright be careful when you enter.  
Peter: Well telling us to be careful doesnt mean we will be ok Joe.  
Joe: Dont get me started.  
Peter: Oh I am getting you started alright!  
Joe: I dont want to fight!  
Quagmire: Guys! Break it up!  
Peter: Ok. We need to just get inside that house already.  
Quagmire: We got nothing to worry about!  
Peter: How are we going to enter?  
Joe: Just ring the damn door bell!  
Peter: Alright! *Rings doorbell and door opens*  
Charmisse: They are here!  
Joe: *Wheelchairs in and holds gun up* Who are you talking to lady!  
Charmisse: Come on Johnson!  
Johnson: *Walks in with revolver* Looks like you got a pistol.  
Joe: Yes I do, whats it too ya.  
Johnson: Its pretty lame.  
Joe: What did you say!  
Johnson: Calm down! This will only hurt a bit. *Shoots bullet at Joe but Joe wheels away to the cornor of the wall* Peter Go!  
Peter: *Jumps on Johnson and takes gun and stands up* What are you planning to do with Quagmire!  
Johnson: You already know. We need him executed!  
Peter: Why! Hes a great guy!  
Johnson: That is what you think! He dumped my wife Charmisse not too long ago!  
Quagmire: Look I am sorry!  
Charmisse: Quagmire im sorry.  
Peter: No one is going down here.  
Johnson: What are you guys going to do about it!  
Peter: We are going to do alot about it!  
Johnson: *Jumps on Peter and tries to grab the gun* Give it now!  
Peter: Why should I give it too you?  
Johnson: Give it now!  
Peter: If thats all you wanted here! *Gives him the gun*  
Johnson: Great. *Aims gun at Qaugmire*  
Quagmire: Peter!  
Peter: Who is that aiming at?  
Johnson: Move out of the way Charmisse.  
Charmisse: Dont shoot him!  
Johnson: MOVE NOW YOU BITCH!  
Quagmire: Did you just call her that?  
Johnson: Yes I did!  
Quagmire: You are so disrespectful! Well I would treat her better! 


	3. We Are Young

*Where we left off*  
Johnson: Dont tell me how to treat my wife!  
Quagmire: I can tell you how to treat her!  
Johnson: No you cant! She belongs with me!  
Quagmire: You just called her a bitch!  
Johnson: Its my descision!  
Quagmire: *Punches Johnson in the face* You bastard!  
Joe: Way to go Quagmire!  
Quagmire: Why is this guy even with you Charmisse?  
Charmisse: I felt lonely when I left you.  
Quagmire: Even drunk hookers have feelings.  
Charmisse: What did you call me?  
Quagmire: A drunk hooker.  
Charmisse: You think of me as a hooker!  
Quagmire: Thats what you are!  
Charmisse: Come in boys.  
Quagmire: *People started shooting at them but miss* Oh crap!  
Peter: *Kicks a guys balls and takes a gun* Going Rambo. *Shoots everyone down*  
Joe: Peter I dont know if that was bad or good but you saved us!  
Peter: Retards can do that too.  
Quagmire: Alright Charmisse, our work is done here!  
Charmisse: This is not over yet!  
Quagmire: No its not for you. Come on guys.  
Joe: Wait, she is still trying to kill you.  
Quagmire: Oh and Charmisse.  
Charmisse: Yeah?  
Joe: *Handcuffs Charmisse* You are going to jail.  
Charmisse: Seriously?  
Joe: Yes. *Throws Charmisse in the cop car*  
*On the Griffin Family Couch Lois is sitting down holding Brian and Stewie is sitting on the floor like a dog*  
Brian: Mom! Mommy!  
Stewie: Oh no not this.  
Brian: Mommy! Poopy!  
Stewie: Yes I poop, what about it. Atleast I dont pee in public places!  
Lois: What did you say Brian?  
Stewie: Nothing Lois. Just drank a couple beers.  
Lois: Alright.  
Stewie: I am going to go to the drunken clam and see if Peter is there.  
Lois: Alright Brian.  
Stewie: Bye. *Walks out the door*  
*At the drunken clam Stewie takes a seat*  
Stewie: Feels good to be a dog who can do whatever he wants!  
Brian: *Walks over to Stewie and sits down next to him* Hey you filthy dog.  
Stewie: Oh shut up Brian.  
Brian: You see how it is like to be me?  
Stewie: Yes, I am you.  
Brian: I just have to wait one more day.  
Stewie: And I love it!  
Brian: What!?  
Stewie: I am going to keep us like this! Being a dog is a blast!  
Brian: You sure about that?  
Stewie: Yeah I can drink and everything!  
Brian: So you are saying you are not switching us back!  
Stewie: Yes.  
Brian: You better change us back!  
Stewie: Being a dog is fun! Let me show you!  
Brian: Ok.  
Stewie: Give me a second I I need to get my story straight My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state my lover she is waiting for me just across the bar My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking 'bout a scar and I know I gave it to you months ago I know you're trying to forget but between the drinks and subtle things the holes in my apologies you know I'm trying hard to take it back so if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down I'll carry you home

Tonight We are young So let's set the world on fire We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight we are young so let's set the world on fire we can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I'm not all that you got I guess that I I just thought maybe we could find a ways to fall apart But our friends are back So let's raise a toast Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight We are young So let's the set the world on fire we can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight We are young so let's set the world on fire we can burn brighter than the sun

Carry me home tonight Just carry me home tonight Carry me home tonight Just carry me home tonight

The moon is on my side I have no reason to run So will someone come and carry me home tonight The angels never arrived but I can hear the choir so will someone come and carry me home

Tonight We are young So let's set the world on fire we can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight We are young so let's set the world on fire we can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down I'll carry you home tonight

Brian: Does it get anyworse than that?  
Stewie: Nope.  
Brian: Alright ewll enjoy being me.  
Stewie: Oh I will!  
Brian: Look! Just please change us back!  
Stewie: Only one thing.  
Brian: Anything! What do you want!  
Stewie: Kiss me.  
Brian: No!  
Stewie: Do it!  
Brian: NO! 


	4. Reverse Briology

*Where we left off*  
Stewie: Fine then I will stay Brian.  
Brian: These are your lips anyways. *Kisses Stewie*  
Stewie: Alright lets go home.  
Guy: GAY!  
*In Joes Cop Car*  
Joe: Well that was easier than I thought.  
Peter: You got to show me one time how you drive!  
Joe: Not now Peter!  
Peter: Alright. So Quagmire is no longer being tracked.  
Joe: Well atleast we think that is everybody.  
Peter: What about the mafia!  
Joe: Not funny Peter.  
Peter: Yeah I know.  
*At Police Station*  
Joe: Alright we got Charmisse.  
Officer: Good. Did you take care of the others?  
Joe: Yep. *The other guards walk in with handcuffs*  
Officer: Good job Officer Swanson.  
Joe: No problem.  
Peter: You do a great job at this!  
Joe: I know I do.  
Peter: Dont flatter yourself.  
*At Stewies Room*  
Stewie: Alright *Sits in the chair*  
Brian: *Sits in chair next to him* So long baby body.  
Stewie: So long good life. *Tries to pull trigger but it wont budge* What the hell?  
Brian: Whats wrong!?  
Stewie: It wont let me pull it!  
Brian: Let me see that! *Tries to pull lever* Oh wow it wont budge!  
Stewie: I think we are screwed!  
Brian: Or maybe... *Pulls out cracker* There we go.  
Stewie: Oh it was a cracker.  
Brian: What was that doing there.  
Stewie: I was doing stuff...  
Brian: Anyways lets get back in the seats. *Sits in a seat*  
Stewie: Do we have too...  
Brian: Get in!  
Stewie: Alright! *Sits in a chair*  
Brian: *Takes cracker and eats it* Good.  
Stewie: *Pulls trigger and they go back to their normal body* Are we normal yet?  
Brian: Yes we are!  
Stewie: Ok good.  
Brian: I know you liked it in my body!  
Stewie: I kind of did but at the same time you dont really smell that good either.  
Brian: Im used to it.  
Stewie: Now lets go back down and live our normal lives.  
Brian: Yes.  
Stewie: Alright. Lets go.  
*At The Drunken Clam*  
Quagmire: Well that is over with.  
Joe: No more do you have to worry Quagmire buddy.  
Peter: You know she wasnt bad.  
Quagmire: Wasnt bad? What are you high Peter?  
Peter: No, I didnt think she looked that bad!  
Quagmire: Thats rediculous.  
Peter: She may have been a bad girl, but she wasnt bad in looks.  
Joe: How can you say that!  
Peter: You got to admit it. Just because she almost killed us doesnt mean anything.  
Joe: Well she is in jail now.  
Peter: Joe why did you do that you asshole.  
Joe: It was for her own good!  
Quagmire: Yeah Peter! Shes our enemy!  
Peter: If we really got to know her she would probably be a nice lady.  
Quagmire: Cut the crap Peter.  
Peter: Its not crap I mean it.  
Quagmire: So you would dump Lois for her.  
Peter: She could be my second option.  
Quagmire: Shes a hooker Peter.  
Peter: Im into that.  
Quagmire: Are you drunk or something Peter?  
Peter: How would I know? *Faints on table*  
Quagmire: Yep he is drunk.  
Peter: *Gets up and comes back with a hooker* Hey guys!  
Quagmire: Peter, who is that.  
Peter: My hooker!  
Quagmire: Peter... You cant just get your own hooker you are married.  
Peter: Well you married one.  
Quagmire: Not on purpose!  
Peter: Forget that! Will you marry me?  
Hooker: Yes!  
Peter: *Kisses her* I love you.  
Quagmire: This wont last long.  
Joe: I know.  
Peter: She doesnt have a team of guards!  
Hooker: Yes I do!  
Peter: Shut up baby!  
Quagmire: Peter I think we should take you home now.  
Peter: Help me hit on this baby over here!  
Quagmire: Peter...  
Peter: What do you want Charmisse!  
Quagmire: Its Quagmire. GO HOME YOUR DRUNK!  
Peter: Says the guy who hits on every girl he sees!  
Quagmire: Do I hit on your wife?  
Peter: Yes!  
Quagmire: Alright then. Giggity.  
Peter: Just go fly your planes there!  
Quagmire: Why are you doing this Peter.  
Peter: I am not doing anything you crazy boy!  
Quagmire: Seriously Peter.  
Hooker: Im leaving! *Runs away*  
Peter: We are in a relationship honey! Quagmire: Peter snap out of it! You arent married to her.  
Peter: You dont know anything Quagmire!  
Quagmire: For a matter of fact I do know things like right now, you are drunk!  
Joe: I will take it form here Quagmire. PETER SIT DOWN! *Sits Peter down and hits his head*  
Peter: *Wakes up* What happened Joe? Quagmire?  
Joe: Nothing happened Peter.  
Peter: Thats weird cause I felt like I was hit on the head by some handicapped guy?  
*At the Griffins couch Peter walks in and Lois is on the couch watching TV*  
Peter: Oh hey Lois im drunk.  
Lois: Alright. 


End file.
